


if we could turn back time

by angstonly



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Exes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, implied depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:55:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27755731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstonly/pseuds/angstonly
Summary: The night goes by quickly from then on, the two of them easily losing track of time the more invested they get into their stories. Felix had made note of every single rumor spread about Hyunjin and had him confirm or deny, something they ended up having a nice little guessing game of."Listen," Felix says, "the only thing I'm sure of is that every single dating rumor is false.""How are you so sure?"Felix deadpans at him. "You're still writing songs about Seungmin."
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 26
Kudos: 112
Collections: Hyunfest 2020





	if we could turn back time

**Author's Note:**

> > prompt #23: hyunjin and character B are exes. hyunjin's now a singer that has a lot of sad love songs in his repertoire. everyone always speculates who broke his heart, but the truth is he broke his own when he walked out on character B years ago. he's regretted it since then but has never had the chance to make it right. when he comes back home to visit family and friends he finds himself frequenting the places he and character B used to go and reminiscing. one morning when he arrives at the cafe they used to go to, the one they went to on their first date, he sees character B sitting with a boy at /their/ table and he makes a promise to himself to make things right and get character B back in their life; even as just friends
> 
> to my prompter: i hope you enjoy this fic as much as i enjoyed writing it!
> 
> 🎵: don't want to be an idol - vixx

Trophies line his wall, awards and recognitions of the art he's worked tirelessly for. They're testaments to his sacrifices, to everything he has given up to pursue his dreams. This was the goal—the dream that five-year old Hyunjin would scribble in his diary.

He smiles when he sees them, remembers a time when all he could do was pray that this would be his future. He was a young boy full of hope, writing songs and making choreographies instead of studying for the college entrance exam like he was expected to. Now he's here—a beloved soloist with accolades to his name at the young age of twenty—and he wouldn't have it any other way.

Or so he likes to convince himself.

It's not that he's unhappy per se. No, he's quite content with the trajectory of his career and the life he's led so far. He's barely even lived if he thinks about it more deeply. He's young, with so much still waiting for him in the future. There's still so much to look forward to.

"Hyunjin, you there?"

He brings himself out of his thoughts to smile at his manager, taking the cup of coffee he offers with a grateful bow of his head. "Thanks, hyung. What's up?"

"I have good news."

Hyunjin raises an eyebrow, skeptical but hopeful. He's learned over the years that good news isn't purely good news in this industry. His manager is also a master at making things seem better than they actually are.

"Don't look at me like that, it's amazing news!" He huffs, and Hyunjin can't help the chuckle that escapes him. "You're going to thank me for this."

"We'll see." He hums. "What is it?"

His manager grins. "My sweet, sweet child. Really, you're going to thank me for this. Management has allowed you vacation time courtesy of yours truly!"

"You're joking." Hyunjin deadpans at him. "This isn't funny."

He stares at his manager, holds his gaze for as long as he can as he attempts to detect any hint of deception in his eyes. When all that greets him is pure joy, Hyunjin jumps out of his seat and throws his arms around him with the biggest smile on his face.

"I'm sorry for ever doubting you!" He squeezes his manager tightly, lifting him off his feet to spin him around in glee.

"As soon as you wrap up with promotions, you're free to go wherever you'd like. I'm thinking you're due for a relaxing time in Bali. Shall I let management know? "

"No, not Bali," Hyunjin says, barely able to contain his excitement. "I want to go home."

The cool autumn breeze kisses his skin as he steps out of the plane. It's a privilege to be allowed use of a private jet, one that he owes to his company's partnership with the airlines that he doesn't quite understand. Some things are better left unquestioned—or so says his manager when he asked about it the first time.

It's really pretentious, but it does prove to be incredibly convenient—especially when it comes to privacy and undetected travel. He loves his fans and all, but some of them get too close for comfort, and this trip is something he'd like to enjoy to the fullest.

He breathes in, lets the air fill his lungs as he smiles at the sunny sky. The weather is the best it could possibly be, kind to his arrival after being away for so long. He had left as a young teenager, eager to prove himself in an industry unkind, ignoring the concerned tears that his mother sheds for his journey.

Some called him brave. Some called him foolish. Perhaps he was both.

Now, looking back, he supposes the best word to describe him is _lucky_.

The airport is still a couple of hours from his hometown. He likes the drive, likes putting his window down to feel the wind in his hair. There's just something about it that puts him at ease.

It's strange. He doesn't really realize how much he's missed his hometown until right at this very moment. He had always yearned for the big city, always felt out of place in a small coastal town. Yet here he is, more at ease than he would have ever thought, confused but pleasantly surprised.

He supposes it has more to do with seeing his family again, seeing the familiarity of childhood memories and old friends he had left behind. They reconnect from time to time, catch up in ten-minute calls whenever his schedule allows, promise to keep each other updated as much as they can despite the distance, but it's always been something easier said than done. There aren't a whole of people he can call a friend, especially in his line of work where friendships feel more like business partnerships than anything.

He gets home sooner than he thought he would, and he's immediately greeted by the smell of a homecooked meal. He's quiet as he walks to the door, as he creeps in and slips his shoes off. The house seems smaller somehow as he walks further in, silent steps to conceal his presence for just a bit longer.

His parents prepared a feast for him—that much he can tell. No surface in the kitchen is unoccupied, on it is either a decoration or a plate of food. He can't help but chuckle and smile fondly. It's going to be a wonderful night.

"Boo."

Hyunjin yelps at the sound by his ear, clutching at his heart as he collapses to the ground. He looks up, pouts as he sees his best friend losing himself in laughter.

"Not funny, Lix," he whines, taking his hand when he offers it. "You almost gave me a heart attack."

"That was the point." he snickers. "Welcome home, jerk. That's what you get for being so MIA that we have to get updates on you from news sites and gossip columns."

"I call when I can!" He pouts, nudging Felix lightly with his shoulder. "Is ten minutes every—"

He trails off when Felix shoots him a glare, opting to wrap his arms around him instead of finishing that thought. Felix returns the hug, scolds him one more time before giving way to sweeter sentiments.

When they pull away, Hyunjin asks, "Not that I'm not happy to see you, but why are you in my house and where are my parents?"

There's a mischievous glimmer in Felix's eyes that arouses his curiosities. Felix says nothing, instead holds his hand out for Hyunjin to take. He tilts his head, a quiet instruction to follow, and Hyunjin happily obliges.

Felix leads him down familiar paths, peppering their walk with updates of how he's been since last they spoke. Felix is studying again, he says, and it's more challenging than he remembers it to be. He's getting help from a senior named Minho, who he met through his friend Chan. They're excited to meet Hyunjin, he adds. Apparently, Felix talks about him a lot. (Hyunjin narrows his eyes at him. Felix reassures him that they're mostly good stories. Mostly.)

"Oh my God." Hyunjin gapes at the scene before him, eyes and mouth wide and round as he grips tighter onto Felix's hand. "Dude, what the fuck?"

"Welcome home, Hyunjin." Felix whispers before the crowd echoes it much louder.

The tears spill before he can control them.

Maybe this is it—this is what's been missing from his heart.

A feeling of _home_.

"How?"

"Your parents throw parties and get-togethers a lot," answers Felix. "It's not really suspicious, so no one really thinks much about it. I think that's why they started doing it, honestly."

Hyunjin blinks, unzipping his luggage as Felix dries his hair. "What do you mean?"

"Like—" Felix gestures vaguely. "Okay, so the first few times, crazy people were around thinking you'd be here because why the fuck would there be a party in a small town like this, right? Celebrity Hyunjin must be around! Then eventually they stopped showing up because you never came. I think auntie was thinking, like, a hundred steps ahead and throwing parties so it won't be obvious whenever you'd actually find your way back to town."

Hyunjin raises an eyebrow. "You give my mom way too much credit."

"You give her too little."

"Kiss-ass."

"You're just jealous she likes me more than you."

Hyunjin scoffs, feigns displeasure, but they both know he feels anything but. When he opens his luggage, the gifts he brought for Felix are right on top. Felix grins as Hyunjin hands them to him, setting them aside to wrap his limbs around Hyunjin in gratitude.

"Look at you buying gifts," he teases, rubbing his cheek against Hyunjin's. "You used to only write us letters and coupons because you were saving all your money for your career fund."

"I told you guys I would make it up to you all someday!"

Felix laughs and detaches himself, examining the clothes and cosmetics Hyunjin bought for him. "And we told you that there's nothing to make up for," he says warmly. "We teased, but we supported you wholeheartedly."

"I know," replies Hyunjin, sorting his gifts as he unpacks. "Still, though. I know it's not easy being friends with me, so I want to express my gratitude somehow. I've put you guys through a lot."

Felix merely hums, and Hyunjin is glad he doesn't press further into the sentiment.

The night goes by quickly from then on, the two of them easily losing track of time the more invested they get into their stories. Felix had made note of every single rumor spread about Hyunjin and had him confirm or deny, something they ended up having a nice little guessing game of.

"Listen," Felix says, "the only thing I'm sure of is that every single dating rumor is false."

"How are you so sure?"

Felix deadpans at him. "You're still writing songs about Seungmin."

It's complicated. The way he feels about Seungmin is complicated—it always has been.

He supposes that it's normal to want to write song about an ex-lover. Many artists find inspiration in love lost and found, and Hyunjin is no exception. He pulls from his experiences, pulls from the love he once found and lost, pulls from a heart that yearns for the lover he's always wished would have stayed.

It's unfair to put it this way, he knows. In the end, it was not Seungmin who left. It was Hyunjin.

It was Hyunjin who was desperate for release, for an escape from the small town that offered little toward his dream. It was Hyunjin who had let go of his love, who had allowed himself to leave to pursue that dream. It was Hyunjin who changed the course, who changed everything and left without ever turning back.

It was Hyunjin.

It had always been Hyunjin.

It's unfair, he knows, that the songs speak of a lover who had broken his heart, when the truth is that it was Hyunjin.

It was Hyunjin who broke his own heart the moment he decided to leave without granting Seungmin a proper goodbye.

He doesn't know if this is a good idea—going through the town on his own, lost in the memories of his childhood, of a love that's still weighing heavily in his heart even after all these years. Familiar streets, familiar places, all of them tied to a memory of Seungmin. They did everything together, a pair so inseparable no one ever dared to even try get in between them.

It was stupid. It was all very stupid.

The smell of coffee wafts in the air, an unmistakable aroma from the corner café. A movie plays in his mind, one from years ago in the very café that now stands right before his very eyes. Two boys and their forgotten books, more invested in each other than the homework that's still yet to be finished. Hyunjin saw a funny meme on Facebook and they spent half an hour laughing at it.

He enters the café, almost in a trance, nostalgic for a place that bore witness to his innocence, to the Hyunjin whose name was written on coffee cups and homework, not engraved in gold-plated plaques.

Cold reality showers him as he steps in, the nostalgia replaced by what he sees in the corner of the café.

There, in the table they once called 'theirs,' is Seungmin with a boy Hyunjin doesn't know, laughing without a care in the world.

And when Seungmin looks up and catches his gaze, it takes everything in him not to turn around and run.

When all is said and done, Hyunjin can't find it in himself to move. He sits quietly, cup of coffee now cold in his hands.

Jisung is an amazing guy.

It doesn't take long for him to see this. He's friendly and incredibly funny, so naturally warm that it felt like Hyunjin had known him all his life. Still, Hyunjin is on guard, wary and careful in case Seungmin feels uncomfortable beside him.

Seungmin is a good actor. If he didn't know any better, he would have believed it—the smiles, the laughter, the jokes as if they hadn't just reunited after years of silence. If he didn't know any better, he would have believed that Seungmin held no ill will, held no grudges for the past that Hyunjin abandoned.

But he's Hyunjin. He doesn't believe it, insists on the lies that the voices in his head tell him to be true—Seungmin won't forgive him just like that. He can't. He _shouldn't_.

"Hyunjin."

He looks up at the mention of his name, blinking in surprise as Seungmin takes the seat in front of him. It's been years since they've spoken, let alone spent time by themselves like this. Seungmin is smiling at him, eyes so kind it takes Hyunjin aback.

"Sorry I didn't make it to your welcome back party," says Seungmin.

Hyunjin blinks at him, confused by the apology. Hyunjin often wondered how it would go between them when they finally spoke again. He would have expected anger, maybe even a fist to his face. He would never have imagined an apology of any kind.

"No, I—I didn't even think you were considering coming," admits Hyunjin. Seungmin still has a smile on his face, and Hyunjin's heart aches at the sight.

"Why not?" Seungmin laughs softly, as though he finds what Hyunjin has said as absolutely ridiculous. "It's been a while since we've seen each other, you know? I'm glad you showed up today, and you got to meet Jisung, too."

"I just—I don't know, Seungmin, maybe because I was an ass to you?" Hyunjin fidgets, plays with his fingers, stares at anything but Seungmin. "I figured—I thought you would be—"

"What, angry?" Seungmin finishes for him. The smile slowly disappears, his lips a straight line as he sighs. Hyunjin looks up, braving a glance in Seungmin's direction. Their eyes meet, and Hyunjin's chest constricts, feels like it's ready to burst at any moment. "I was. Of course, I was. I was so angry and hurt that I couldn't even think of you without wanting to throw up or punch a wall. It sucked, and I felt like shit for so long after you left. But I got over it eventually, you know? I got over it. I had to."

In retrospect, Hyunjin should have known it would go like this. This is Seungmin, after all—kind, wonderful, forgiving Seungmin who's always hated holding grudges. Seungmin has always been the best person he knows, and that hasn't changed to this day.

Seungmin's over it. He has been for a while now.

Of course he's moved on. Why wouldn't he? It's been years since then. It's only right that he does.

"I don't really know what to say," Hyunjin admits, swallowing the lump that has formed in his throat. "I don't deserve your forgiveness after what I did, and I just—I don't know, Seungmin. This is so unexpected."

Seungmin chuckles, reaches over to place a hand atop his. His skin is as warm as he remembers, sending a jolt up his spine, heart racing as they look into each other's eyes. "It's been years, Hyunjin. And honestly, despite how hurt and angry I was, I knew that I wouldn't be able to stay angry with you. At the end of the day, I understood. I guess that's what happens when I knew you so well, you know? I understood. So, really, it's okay."

His childhood bedroom still feels as big as it did when he was younger. He always expected for it to seem much smaller when he came back. Perhaps it's symbolic in a way. He hasn't grown as much as he thought he has, and being back home just proves it.

The glow-in-the-dark constellations are still on his ceiling, surprisingly still glowing. He never really thought much about how long these stickers last; granted, they're dimmer than they used to be, but they still provide comfortable light in the darkness. He searches for a particular star, smiling when he sees Seungmin's name etched on its surface.

The stickers were a gift from Seungmin in middle school, something he picked up on a family weekend after Hyunjin told him that he had a nightmare the night before. He came over without notice, holding out the pack of stickers as soon as he walked in.

 _So the stars can comfort you right before you fall asleep_ , Seungmin had said. _I carved out my name in one of the stars as kind of like a reminder that I'm always with you or something like that_.

 _Damn, Seungmin, if you're in love with me, just say so_ , he teased, ignoring the warmth that had spread all over his face.

Seungmin rolled his eyes, his own face red, throwing the pack at him.

Back then, they didn't really know how the stickers worked. They stuck them on the wall without much thought, not realizing they needed to soak in light before they actually begin to work. Hyunjin's mother walked in on them tiptoeing on chairs holding flashlights up to each sticker. She took a video of them arguing before finally helping them out.

If he asks, he's sure she still has that video hidden away somewhere. His mother has always had a penchant for recording everything he does.

He sighs, sitting up. Sleep is evading him, and all he can think of is Seungmin and the café. There's no use forcing himself when he knows it won't come, so he picks his phone up and calls Felix.

His walk to Felix's house is short. He barely notices time passing as his feet take him down familiar paths, muscle memory guiding him through small roads he knows by heart. When he gets there, Felix's father greets him with a smile, quick to pull him in and offer him a shot of soju.

He declines, instead walking up the stairs toward Felix's room.

Felix fails to tell him that he has company.

"Oh yeah, this is Chan hyung and Minho hyung. I mentioned them during the welcome party," says Felix.

Hyunjin bows politely, and Chan is quick to say, "Oh, there's no need for the formalities, please!"

He seats himself beside Felix on the floor, swallowing thickly as he feels the weight of Minho's stare. He looks over at Felix, and Felix just smiles apologetically at him. So he isn't just imagining it.

"So _you're_ Hyunjin," Minho says with a scoff.

"Y-yes, that's me," he says. "Pleasure to meet you."

Chan elbows him, and Minho gives him a pointed look and a roll of his eyes before sighing. "Yeah, yeah, pleasure to meet you too, I guess."

"Minho, be nice," scolds Chan.

Felix scoots over, leans close and whispers, "He's close with Seungmin."

Of course he is. He should have known not all of Seungmin's new friends would be as kind and as welcoming as Jisung, who had treated him like something akin to a long lost friend. Minho's attitude towards him is far more fitting; it's the kind of reaction that he had been expecting from everyone.

"Fine," he hears Minho say before turning to Hyunjin. "I will be nice only because Seungmin has already forgiven you."

Hyunjin laughs bitterly, his chest constricting. He feels a lump in his throat, and he swallows it down with another chuckle. "He really shouldn't have."

"I know," Minho quickly replies, "but that's Seungmin for you. Far too kind and forgiving for his own good. You're lucky, Hwang Hyunjin."

Lucky. Right.

Hyunjin can't remember the last time he's gone grocery shopping. The supermarket has become so foreign to him, a place of luxury to use time that's no longer his to control. So when his mother instructs him to go shopping in her stead, he's more than willing to do.

How funny it is that such mundane things in life can now elicit such excitement in his heart.

Memories flood his mind as soon as he steps in, remembering all the times he would come visit during his childhood. Everything is set up exactly as he remembers, and it fills him with a warmth he doesn't quite expect from a supermarket.

Hyunjin greets the worker up front, a grandpa who's been working there even back when Hyunjin was still a little boy. He doesn't recognize him, though, but he supposes that's not unlikely considering how much time has passed. Or maybe it's the black mask he wore to avoid detection.

This entire trip home has been one massive walk down memory lane, reminding him of a childhood he's always thought has long since passed him by. Youth in the spotlight, he thinks, isn't true youth. Can it be considered as such when his actions are always under scrutiny? Everything he does is now beyond his control, liberties handed to managers and companies in exchange for an exploited dream.

He loves it. He does. He loves singing and writing songs, loves touching hearts with the music he creates.

But it would be a lie to say he loves everything that comes with the life that he chose.

He can't complain, though. He chose this path. He chose to leave the comforts of this town, leave the embrace of quaint community. He chose to trade it all for a job that makes his heart beat in his chest, a job that gives him some semblance of life and purpose and direction.

Hyunjin walks down the aisles, crossing off item after item on his mother's list. It's a task that goes by far too quickly for his liking, and he finds himself lingering and meandering to make time last.

When he's decided that he's dawdled enough, he falls in line at the counters, watching as workers make friendly conversation with the store's patrons. A small smile tugs at his lips as a little boy tugs at the hem of his mother's shirt, asking questions about all the different machines they use. Cute.

"Did you find everything okay?" the worker asks once it’s Hyunjin's turn. "Holy shit, you're—"

Hyunjin chuckles, lifts a finger to his masked lips.

"Oh my God, okay," she says, visibly shaken up. "I'm so honored right now, you have no idea."

She speaks and works at the same time, making small talk while talking about Hyunjin's latest album. His own fame still astonishes him, if he's being honest. He _knows_ he's quite popular—he wouldn't have won any awards otherwise—but it's still startling every time he's recognized. It serves as a reminder that he's no longer just Hwang Hyunjin, a boy who loves music.

This life means he's the public's Hwang Hyunjin too.

He sighs as he steps outside, looking up at the clear blue skies. The clouds are fluffy, like cotton candy as they roll by. How long has it been since he's last taken the time to appreciate what's around him?

As he walks toward his car, he notices Seungmin at the café next door. He blinks, halts in his step, wonders whether to approach and say hi.

The universe answers for him when Seungmin looks up and flashes him a smile.

"Hard at work, I see," Hyunjin says, nodding at the open books on the table once he's approached. Seungmin's laptop is open, and he can't help but notice a sticker of his debut album on the cover.

Seungmin scrunches his nose. "God, I wish. My head is so fucking empty right now, not going to lie. I've been staring at this word document for an hour and nothing is coming out. This is so sad."

"Mind if I…?" He gestures at the empty seat beside him. Hyunjin takes it when Seungmin nods. "So, what is it that's bugging you? I'm not as smart as you are so I don't know if I can actually help, but maybe you can bounce ideas off me? See if it can get you anywhere?"

Seungmin's face lightens up. "No, oh my God, Hyunjin, you're actually _the_ perfect person to talk to about this. I'm supposed to be writing a paper about the Korean music industry, and there's just so much to possibly write about that I don't really know where to start."

Hyunjin stares at him, mouth hanging slightly ajar. "I—Okay, yes, but I don't know where you should start either," admits Hyunjin. "I mean, do you want to know all the deep ugly secrets of the music industry and write an exposé? I definitely have enough information for you to use."

There's a glimmer in Seungmin's eyes that tells him he wants to know. "Can you tell me even if not for the paper?"

Hyunjin laughs, reaches over and pats him on the shoulder. "How about I reward you with the deep dark secrets once you finish your paper?"

Seungmin grins. "Deal."

He doesn't even realize that time has passed. This isn't exactly anything new, though. Time always passes so incredibly fast whenever he's with Seungmin. Starting was the most challenging part, but it all began to flow once they found a nice place to begin. They went over Seungmin's list of topics together, Hyunjin offering firsthand experience and looking for resources based on that.

It isn't until his mother calls looking for him that he realizes just how late it's become.

 _Hwang Hyunjin, do you not realize how late it is now? You've been gone hours without so much as a text! You could have been dead for all I know!_ she had yelled over the phone.

Hyunjin tries to suppress his laughter as he listens to her dramatics, letting it all out once she finally hangs up. Seungmin laughs along with him, pointing out that the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. He had forgotten how dramatic mother and son were, and this call was a refreshing reminder.

"I'm not _that_ dramatic," says Hyunjin. Seungmin raises an eyebrow at him. Hyunjin pouts before conceding. "Okay, fine, maybe I am."

Seungmin rolls his eyes, helping him place his bag of groceries in the trunk of his car. This reminds him of high school, back when they would go shopping together and get lose in conversation until their respective mothers came looking for them. Hyunjin was the only one with a license back then, so he was always designated driver.

Apparently, not much has changed in that respect.

"So you mean to tell me that you and Felix both still just bat your lashes at people for rides." It's more of a statement than a question.

"I condemn your supposition that I, Kim Seungmin, would ever bat my lashes at _anyone_ for _anything_." Seungmin scoffs, clicking his seatbelt in place. Hyunjin had offered him a ride home, and Seungmin was more than willing to accept.

"You do _not_ want to go that route," says Hyunjin, giving him a pointed look. "I have proof, and I'm not afraid to use it."

Seungmin makes an offended gasp, placing a hand on his chest. And he says _Hyunjin_ is dramatic.

The drive isn't too long, but it's enough to squeeze conversation in. Hyunjin asks him about college, whether he's doing okay outside of the paper that he was just agonizing over. Seungmin freely speaks, relays stories of his experience so far. He's learned to drink, he says, thanks to his seniors. Minho especially taught him how to get everyone drunk before they could get _him_.

Hyunjin smiles fondly. Listening to Seungmin talk is an all too familiar feeling, and it's something that he never ever tired of. His voice is so soothing, so comforting, that it pulls at Hyunjin's heart, tugs at it so hard that he remembers cold reality.

This is what he gave up when he left that day.

Who is he to still long for it?

"I think you would really like it," Seungmin says, looking out the window. When Hyunjin glances over, he's smiling. "College life, I mean. It's really fun. A lot more free than the life you knew here, to be honest."

"It sounds fun." Hyunjin ignores how loudly his heart is beating against his chest. "I'm glad you're happy."

"I'm glad _you_ are."

Hyunjin says nothing and just chuckles. Happy.

Is he ever truly happy?

Hyunjin doesn't know what that means anymore. Dreams, he's found out, can effectively suck the life out of you.

The conversation about university life piques Hyunjin's curiosity enough that he drops by the campus the very next day. It's a good half an hour from their beach town, tucked within the walls of what seems to be a smaller-scale Seoul. It's where most of their town goes for university should they decide not to leave for the bigger cities.

He remembers visiting the campus at some time during his middle school years. His cousin Jinyoung was a university student at the time, and he had invited Hyunjin for a weekend to see what it was like. It was right around the time that Hyunjin had first begun talking about leaving, about going to Seoul for a different life than everyone around him has followed.

Jinyoung was the only one he could trust at the time.

It's a lot more developed than he remembers, perhaps from the influx of donations from alumni who still sees the value in the institution. The buildings seem newly renovated, and from what his mother tells him, the constructions never end. For every finished project, there are five new ones to replace it.

There are more students than he would expect, and Hyunjin walks aimlessly without direction, going wherever his feet decide to take him.

"Hyunjin?"

Hyunjin startles as a familiar voice calls out to him, eyes wide as Jisung and Seungmin emerge from the building beside him and walk over to greet him.

"You thinking of enrolling?" Jisung asks, flashing him a grin. "We could use more talent in the music department."

Hyunjin laughs and shakes his head. "Nah, studying and I don't have a pleasant relationship. Being in the industry is a better fit for me."

"Damn, here I thought I could convince you to enroll so I can haze you."

"You wish," Hyunjin retorts, earning him a laugh from Jisung. "You guys just got out of class?"

"Yep," Seungmin says. "Jisung has another one immediately after, though, because he's an idiot who chose not to give himself a lunch break."

"Yeah, yeah, Mr. Know-It-All." Jisung huffs, rolling his eyes. "You two go enjoy lunch while I die in stupid calculus. Why the fuck do I even need to learn this? It's not like it has any applications whatsoever to non-math majors."

They listen to Jisung rant before he runs off, leaving Hyunjin and Seungmin behind.

"So, lunch?" Seungmin asks.

"Sure."

Hyunjin plops down on the couch with a sigh. His mother nudges his legs away, and he pulls them up to his chest. She takes the seat beside him, handing him a cup of tea. Hyunjin raises an eyebrow at her.

"Since when were you a tea person?"

His mom rolls his eyes. "I've always been a tea person, excuse you."

He stares at her.

"Fine, it was a gift from Felix's mom." Hyunjin's mom rolls her eyes again, lightly slapping him on the shoulder. "It's actually good tea, though. I don't think I'd be replacing my wine with it any time soon, but it's good for days when non-alcoholic is the way to go."

"Mom, your choice of non-alcoholic drinks are, like, virgin cosmos or any virgin counterparts of the cocktails you would see on Sex and The City."

His mother coos at him, pets him on the head with a loving smile. "Aw, my sweet angel, how you've grown. I still remember a time when I would be horrified hearing you say the word sex."

Hyunjin grimaces and nudges her. "Oh God, no, stop. Please."

She hums, sips on her tea, eyes shining with the glee in her heart. She sets the cup down on the coaster, pulls Hyunjin into her arms. She sighs, hugging him tightly, relaxing when Hyunjin wraps his own arms around her in return.

"I've missed you," she says as she pulls away. "I always worry, you know? A mother's heart is always anxious when her baby isn't in her arms."

"I know," he says, allowing himself to lean against her. He's much taller than her now, older and wiser than the last time he was home. None of that matters, though. He's always going to be her baby boy. "I've missed you too, mom."

"You know, your grandmother thought I was crazy for letting you go off on your own. She said the world is too scary, that I needed to keep you safe."

"I figured." His grandmother had always been the type to shield him from pain growing up. It was the same way she raised his mother from what he was told. It led to a lot of arguments while she was growing up, differences in opinions that strained their relationship in her younger years. "I mean, you weren't exactly quiet about your apprehension. You told me every chance you got."

"I know," she says, huffing out a laugh. His head is on her shoulder, her fingers lightly stroking his hair. "My constant worrying aside, I'm really proud of you though. You're much stronger than I ever was. I gave into the fear, stayed here, started a family here where it's comfortable. I never challenged myself the way you've been challenging yourself."

"Do you ever regret it?" he asks, gaze affixed on a framed picture on the fireplace. It was on a Tuesday afternoon, the day before he left for Seoul. "Staying here, I mean. Did you have to give up on any dreams to stay?"

"I wanted to be a journalist. Travel the world," she says with a dreamy sigh. "I wanted to see everything, experience everything. But my mother's words affected me a lot. You know her—she's a very persuasive woman, especially when it comes to the dangers of the world around us. She did it; she scared me into staying. I don't regret it, though. Not at all. If I had left, I wouldn't have had you, and _you_ are my greatest dream. My greatest accomplishment."

Hyunjin laughs sheepishly, heat rising up his neck. "Yikes, that's a lot of pressure."

"Oh stop," she hushes, giving the back of his neck a playful squeeze. He wrinkles his nose at her. "You as you are now—raising you to be this wonderful, adventurous, courageous boy— _that_ is my greatest accomplishment. I worry for you everyday, I'm scared everyday because I'm not there with you, but I am so so proud of you, Hyunjin. I am so proud of the man that you're becoming."

Tears spring to his eyes, guilt hammering against his ribcage as he shakes his head, burying his head in his hand. She's speaking so highly of him, like he isn't as horrible as he really is. It's all a lie, all a fucking lie, and he doesn't even know where to begin to tell her that it is.

"Mom, I—" His voice catches in his throat, tears rolling down his face. Her eyebrows knit together and she shifts to face him, taking his face in his hands, thumb brushing tears from his cheeks. "Mom, I messed up. I'm not as good as you think I am. I'm not—"

He breaks down into quiet sobs, pulled back into his mother's arms. He cries on her shoulder, an incoherent mess as he blubbers and flounders for words. She shushes him, gently pressing slow soothing strokes down his back. He knows she's crying too—she always does. Anytime Hyunjin cries, she would too; it didn't matter the reason or if she even knew why.

"It's okay, baby, let it out," she says, and the encouragement is all Hyunjin needs to allow all his walls to crumble. He trembles, cries as he tightens his hold on her smaller frame. She says nothing other than affirmations. It's okay. You're okay. Let it out. It's okay to cry.

When he finds his breath, he pulls away, still tearful as he stares at her. She smiles gently at him, that kind of motherly smile that reassures him that she's here, that he can always turn to her when things aren't going right. Every little thing he's kept buried into his soul comes out, and he unloads the weight of years-worth of guilt and regrets as she holds his hand and listens.

"Oh, baby," she whispers, squeezing his hand. "I love you so much, okay? Nothing will ever change that. It's okay to feel exhausted, to feel empty sometimes. It happens; we're human. But please don't keep that kind of thing to yourself. Please don't keep it a secret from me, or from anyone for that matter. Just tell one person. Just one, okay?"

Hyunjin nods, still sniffling, still shaking as she reassures him that he can cry as much as he needs to.

"And as for Seungmin," she begins to say, voice still as kind as ever, "it wasn't good what you did, but it doesn't mean you're a bad person, okay? People do bad things sometimes, it's a part of life. He's forgiven you, right? So you need to forgive yourself too."

"I just—I don't know if I _can_ ," he whispers, releasing a shaky breath. "I feel so horrible about everything. I feel like—I don't know, mom, I just don't feel like I deserve it. Seungmin shouldn't have forgiven me. He really shouldn't have."

His mom offers him a small smile, wiping away more of the tears that continue to fall. "Him forgiving you isn't about _you_ , honey. That was for _him_ ; he did it for his own peace. You have to think about how you will find _your_ peace with the situation. What would it take for you to forgive yourself? What would it take for you to accept that Seungmin has?"

Hyunjin stares at her, eyes tired and heavy from crying. Talking to his mom about it lifts a burden off his shoulders, but also adds more to the questions he doesn't know the answer to. What _would_ it take? Why is he so reluctant to accept the reality that has greeted him from the moment he came back home?

He trudges into his room, feet as heavy as the thoughts plaguing his mind. He has a glass of water in one hand, his phone in the other. He had set it to _Do Not Disturb_ on his way up, not wanting to connect with the world outside as he gathers his thoughts. There's just too much swimming in his mind, and he doesn't know what to do about them.

He sets the glass down on his desk after taking a large gulp. On his desk is a framed picture of him, Seungmin, and Felix back in high school. He shifts his gaze higher, stares at the cork board hung up on his wall. Polaroid photos of him and Seungmin are pinned to the surface, labeled with dates and silly captions relevant to the day.

Hyunjin unlocks his phone and snaps a picture, a small smile on his face. He pulls up Seungmin's contact, hovers over the message button, debating whether or not to show him. In the end, he does.

 **Hyunjin [23:02]:** hey look what i found  
 **Hyunjin [23:02]:** [image attached]

The reply is immediate, and Hyunjin's heart leaps to his throat.

 **Seungmin [23:03]:** oh my god what a throwback  
 **Seungmin [23:03]:** hold on look at this  
 **Seungmin [23:08]:** [image attached]

Hyunjin stares at the photo Seungmin sends, releasing a breath he didn't notice he was holding. It's a photo of the scrapbook they started back in middle school, cover intact yet bindings almost falling apart. In retrospect, neither of them were particularly good at crafts, but it was a joint project they decided to do to mirror his mother's affinity for documentation.

He finds himself smiling, ignoring the thump against his chest, the sting in his eyes.

 **Seungmin [23:12]:** hey do you want to go through it together?

He makes no hesitation to reply a resounding "yes."

Hyunjin laughs so hard that his belly aches, and he blames Seungmin for that. He has his phone propped up on the nearest surface as Hyunjin lies in bed, Seungmin's face filling up the screen. They've spent a good hour on the phone, going through the scrapbook, laughing about their childhood memories.

It's interesting how easy it is for them to remember.

"I cannot believe you convinced me to shave my fucking eyebrows, Hwang Hyunjin. That was the worst year of my fucking life."

Hyunjin laughs loudly, slapping a hand on his mouth to muffle the sound in case his parents have already fallen asleep. That particular moment was not one of his proudest, and he's sure Seungmin shares the sentiment.

They were children, desperate to prove that they weren't _cowards_ , and that in turn led to ridiculous dares that the both of them surely regret. Hyunjin dared Seungmin to shave his eyebrows off, while Seungmin dared Hyunjin shave a line of hair on the side of his head.

"I didn't convince you to do anything!" Hyunjin counters, trying to calm himself down. "We _dared_ each other, and we were both too prideful to reject the idea."

"Still the worst fucking year of my life," Seungmin says, shaking his head. "At least _you_ still looked cool. Mom had to draw on my eyebrows every morning, and you know how my mom is with makeup! She basically drew me rounded cartoon eyebrows!"

Hyunjin fails to control his laughter, noisy as he allows himself to give into the humor of the memory. Their appearances at the time surely made for extraordinary photos, and seeing the polaroid from the immediate aftermath just proves it.

"If we're being honest, though," Hyunjin says as he finally quiets down, "I mostly did it because I wanted to impress you."

Seungmin pauses, blinks at him from the screen for a moment before a smile slowly spreads across his face. "Yeah? By being an idiot?"

Hyunjin snorts. "Honestly, yeah, I guess. We were like, what, twelve? I figured that I could impress you by proving that I don't back down from a dare, that I was adventurous or something like that."

Seungmin closes the scrapbook, careful as he picks it up and places it on his desk. He finally lies down in his bed, propping his phone up against what he assumes is something on his desk. If his room's layout hasn't changed since the last time Hyunjin had been there, he still has his desk right next to his bed where he usually puts his phone when they call each other at night.

They were inseparable during the day, always together, never one without the other. Yet still, they would call each other at night as if they hadn't just spent the entire day together. A smile tugs at his lips, nostalgic. It feels just like it did then.

"Hyunjin, we were best friends," Seungmin mutters, staring at him through the screen. "You didn't have to impress me or anything."

"Seungmin, I already liked you then," he says, remembering all the butterflies he felt whenever they were together. Hyunjin doesn't remember when it started—when Seungmin became something more than just his best friend. It just happened. They were hanging out at a convenience store after class one day, and when Seungmin paid for their ramyeon, Hyunjin just knew. "It was flawed logic for sure, but I really thought I had to do all that stupid shit to impress you, get you to think of me as something other than just your best friend."

Seungmin hums. "I mean, I figured," he says, laughing softly. "I'm not an idiot, Hyunjin, and you weren't exactly subtle. Remember when I got that love letter from the girl in class C? You got so jealous and possessive even though you _knew_ I was gay."

Hyunjin pouts. He remembers that day clearly—it was the day he realized that he wasn't alone in seeing just how wonderful Seungmin is. The letter arrived on his desk, and they read it together. Hyunjin knew Seungmin wasn't interested, but there was a sparkle in his eyes that told him that he was moved.

"It was the first time it kind of dawned on me that other people must have liked you too, and that there was a possibility I could lose you to them," Hyunjin confesses. "It was a wake-up call, you know? Yeah, I had the advantage of being your best friend, but there's the possibility you could choose someone else to be your boyfriend."

Seungmin stares at him, his eyebrows pinched together. "I literally told you that I liked you, but you were the idiot who assumed it was me putting you in the friendzone. That's not on me."

"I—okay, you have a point there," Hyunjin says. "I mean, you always said it! It was like a daily thing for us to say stuff like that so how was I supposed to know that it meant something else?"

Seungmin rolls his eyes, clicking his tongue in disapproval. "Hwang Hyunjin, we are _not_ going to go through this again."

Hyunjin raises his hands to concede, chuckling softly as Seungmin rolls his eyes once more. He can remember the first time they've talked about it, how silly it all sounded once Seungmin laid it all out on the table in the simplest words possible.

They stare at each other, smiles on their faces, reminiscent of the old days. It feels nice like this, like nothing had changed between them. He knows that this isn't the case—that no matter how deep into the sentiments they get, the truth is that everything _has_ changed. They're not the same people that they once were, and they're no longer the couple that they once were. Even if it almost feels like they are as they go through old motions, as they go through old memories.

His lips part, desperate to say something as Seungmin stares back at him. When no words come, he laughs lowly. Seungmin laughs along with him, like he's privy to the thoughts that are haunting him about what's happened between them. His mother's voice rings in his mind, and he sighs.

"Hey," Seungmin says, interrupting his thoughts. "What's on your mind? You have that look on your face."

Hyunjin merely smiles, shakes his head as he feels his heart pounding against his chest. What would it take for him to forgive himself? What is it that keeps him from accepting Seungmin's forgiveness? He knows it's not about him. He knows forgiveness is not for him to accept.

"You can tell me," Seungmin adds. "I know that it's been a while and things have changed, but you can still talk to me about those things. I don't mind."

Hyunjin smiles again, watching as Seungmin stares back at him, the worry coloring his eyes. "You know," Hyunjin says, "you're too kind for your own good."

Seungmin snickers. "So I've been told."

Hyunjin finds himself walking down familiar paths yet again. He covers himself with a hat and a mask, wears something nondescript to fade into the background, conceal himself in the darkness as the sun sets and the moon takes its place in the sky.

The beach is always dark at night, something about avoiding light pollution, though Hyunjin thinks it's more about the lack of funds. He pulls his phone out, sends a quick message to his manager to ask about the needs of his town.

 **Manager Hyung [21:32]:** now why am i looking at your town's needs???  
 **Manager Hyung [21:32]:** you planning on donating???

Hyunjin laughs, amused by the situation. It's not funny, not really, but something about him having enough money to donate to his hometown amuses him enough that he can't help but giggle. Has he really made that much in this little time? He feels like an impostor, like none of this was meant to be his.

 **Hyunjin [21:36]:** that's the plan  
 **Hyunjin [21:36]:** don't publicize it though just send an anonymous donation

He sees the dots pop up and disappear a handful of times. Knowing his manager, he's typing up some elevator pitch to convince him otherwise. It's good publicity after all: _Award-Winning Singer Hwang Hyunjin Donates Funds To Hometown_. The articles practically write themselves.

Hyunjin feels itchy at the thought, and he scratches at his arm as he waits for the message.

To his surprise, his manager doesn't say anything about publicity.

 **Manager Hyung [21:43]:** got it i'll get back to you with what i find  
 **Manager Hyung [21:43]:** how are you doing though? is the vacation helping you?

He stares at his phone, reads the messages over and over again, formulating different kinds of responses in his head. He never really tells him about the feelings that haunt him, though he supposes he shouldn't be surprised considering the close proximity in which they work. Of course, his manager would notice.

He sighs, sinks his feet deep into the sand, legs pulled up to his chest. "How am I doing?" he mutters to himself, chin resting on his knees. "How _am_ I doing?"

In truth, he doesn't really know. Being home feels more like an escape than time to heal, though that's not really unlikely considering he actively avoids trying to think about everything beyond his hometown. He's doing a good job at it, of course. Avoiding his emotions has become one of his most mastered skills.

He watches the water, listens to the sound of low waves crashing against the shore. He chuckles at himself as he falls back on the sand, arms a cushion behind his head. He doesn't understand his own mind, can't even begin to comprehend the mess of thoughts that overwhelm him every time he gives them any bit of attention. He doesn't know who he is anymore, doesn't know what to do, how to feel. It's like he feels everything and nothing all at once, and he clings to any little opportunity of distraction not to have to think.

Everything with Seungmin has given him that escape.

Hyunjin grits his teeth as he types a reply. He snorts. He doesn't even believe himself.

 **Hyunjin [22:07]:** it is :)

This is so incredibly sad. But hey, that's just how Hyunjin is now.

Another distraction comes in the form of a phone call.

Felix's voice is loud as he answers, and it doesn't take much for Hyunjin to recognize the sound of other voices and loud music in the background. Felix is talking to someone, telling them he's going to talk to someone on the phone, before finally regarding him with a loud and resounding "Hyunjin!"

"Hello Felix," Hyunjin answers, laughing at Felix's drawl. He's clearly had something to drink, teetering on drunk if he wasn't already. Considering the time, he would hope Felix isn't already drunk. It's still too early; the night is still far too young. "Having fun?"

"God, yes!" Felix laughs, and Hyunjin can hear the music growing quieter. "It was just an impromptu thing after class. We figured, hey, why not! We're at karaoke and— _Jisung, what the fuck_ —sorry, Jisung was making faces at me. Anyway, please tell me you're not doing anything and you can come join us."

Hyunjin raises an eyebrow though Felix can't see. "You want me to join you and your college buddies at karaoke?"

"It's just me, Jisung, Seungmin, Chan hyung, and Changbin hyung. Minho hyung isn't coming, in case you're still scared of him."

"I am _not_ —"

"Try to lie to me, bitch, see what happens." Felix snorts. "Just come! I'll text you the address. If you're not here in fifteen minutes, I'm going to expose all your dirty secrets. Okay, I'm not actually, but I'm going to be upset!"

Hyunjin shakes his head, already rising to his feet, dusting sand off his jeans. He wasn't really going to say no. The moment Felix mention Seungmin, he had already decided he would come. Call him whipped, he supposes, or just _that_ desperate not to have to think.

So when Felix hangs up, Hyunjin is already on the way there. It's not too far from the beach, which means his insincere time limit threat of fifteen minutes is doable. In fact, it takes only about ten minutes for Hyunjin to arrive at the address by foot. Who would have thought that a karaoke place had opened by the beach park?

He walks inside and is greeted by Felix, who flutters over and hugs him tightly. His face is flushed red, smile lazy as he holds his hand and drags him to their room, where the others (namely Chan and some guy Hyunjin doesn't recognize—most likely the one Felix called Changbin) have busied themselves with screaming to a classic H.O.T song.

Seungmin is drunk. It's pretty easy to tell. He's laughing so hard, slapping his knee, clinging onto Jisung who's laughing just as hard as he is. When Seungmin looks up and catches his gaze, he smiles, waves a hand and beckons him over. Jisung looks over too and does the same.

When he gets close, Jisung pulls him down to sit in between himself and Seungmin.

"Oh, oh! Now we have an actual musician here to settle our earlier debate," Jisung says (shouts). "Can you _please_ tell Seungmin that the best first generation girl group is S.E.S? He keeps saying it's Fin.K.L! The audacity!"

"Oh _please_!" Seungmin shakes his head, frowning deeply as he grips onto Hyunjin's arm. Hyunjin pretends that it doesn't affect him, forcing himself to focus on the conversation at hand. "S.E.S. has Bada. They win with just that!"

"Hello? Lee Hyori?" Jisung scoffs. "This is a losing battle for you, Kim Seungmin. Come on, Hyunjin, back me up!"

"I—"

"Jinnie," Seungmin says, shaking him by the arm. The nickname knocks the air out of his lungs, and it makes him rethink the decision to stay sober on his way here. He's doing that thing he does when he wants something from Hyunjin, and he can't say that it isn't still effective. "Come on, you _know_ it's S.E.S."

Hyunjin forces a laugh, thankful for the shot of soju that Jisung places in his hand. If he's going to survive a drunk clingy Seungmin, he's going to need drinks in him too.

"Okay, first of all, I love your passion for the subject," Hyunjin begins, "but you guys are both wrong. The clear answer here is Baby Vox. They broke into the Chinese market, they were the first girl group to include a rapper in their lineup, _and_ they have Yoon Eunhye. Not to mention they weren't from a large company, so they had that added challenge."

Seungmin gasps, and Jisung bursts out laughing, seal-clapping as he exclaims agreements at him. Hyunjin shrugs, a grin on his face, and he takes another shot when Jisung pours him a new glass.

"I cannot believe you didn't back me up." Seungmin pouts at him, folds his arms against his chest. "The betrayal!"

Hyunjin laughs, and against his better judgment, he reaches out and wraps an arm around him. "There, there. If Baby Vox didn't exist, then I'd probably say S.E.S too. Alas, Baby Vox _did_ exist and they own my little gay heart."

"Yeah, yeah," Seungmin says dismissively, huffing a breath. He grabs one of the bottles on the table and drinks, wiping the corner of his mouth when liquid drips down. "I concede because it's _the_ Yoon Eunhye. She's so pretty, and she hasn't aged at all."

"Right?"

Hyunjin excuses himself from the room when they begin to queue up _his_ songs. Considering the subject of his songs is in the room, he'd rather not be there to hear people singing it in his vicinity. So he steps outside, walks out into the small balcony for fresh night air, leaning against the steel railing.

He can see the beach from where he stands, the water reflecting the moon and the coruscating stars. A pretty picture, Hyunjin thinks. He pulls his phone out to snap an image, something to remember it by.

"Why is it that the real singer is out here while his friends drunkenly butcher his songs?"

Hyunjin laughs as Jisung walks over and stands beside him, handing him a glass of water. "Thanks," he says before taking a sip. "Nah, they're doing an awesome job. I should give it up and give them the song instead. They can take my royalties."

"Hey now," Jisung warns, "don't say things you don't mean because I _will_ go back in there and sing my heart out so I can take your royalties. Legit."

They laugh together, make small talk about Hyunjin's job and life as a singer. Jisung tells him he's always been curious after hearing Seungmin talk about him. Hyunjin blinks, brows pinched together.

"What?" Jisung asks, a curious brow raised. "You surprised Seungmin talked about you?"

"I mean, yeah. I didn't think he'd want to after… everything."

Jisung hums, sips on his own glass of water as he looks up at the sky. There's a pensive look in his eyes, and if Hyunjin looks closer, he's almost certain that the smile on his lips is a sad one.

"You know," Jisung begins to say, still looking above them, "I met Seungmin our freshman year. We're in the same program, so the seniors just lumped us together for all the hazing and whatnot. Seungmin got really drunk during the welcome week party, and he started crying about some asshole who broke his heart. We became friends very quickly after that."

Hyunjin smiles bitterly at the thought of Seungmin crying over him. "Well," he says, "I'm glad he has you now, then. How did you two start dating?"

Jisung stares at him, head slanted as he slowly erupts in soft laughter. "Hyunjin, we're not dating."

It's Hyunjin's turn to stare. "Huh? I thought—"

"He rejected me a long time ago," Jisung admits, finishing the last of the water in his glass. "We're just friends."

"That's—You can always try again. I mean, if it was a long time ago, I'm pretty sure he's changed his mind now. He looks at you so fondly, and I really think that he would say yes this time if you asked again."

Jisung shakes his head, huffing out another laugh. "No, he's going to reject me again. I know he will."

"How can you be so sure?"

Jisung smiles at him, cups his back lightly. "Because you came back."

Hyunjin can't shake Jisung's words out of his head. He doesn't quite understand what he meant when he said them. Because he came back? What is that supposed to mean? Does his presence change anything between Seungmin and his relationships? Between Seungmin and himself? It shouldn't.

It's not like Hyunjin is here to stay.

Hyunjin thinks he and Seungmin would be good together. He's seen how they are together, seen the way Jisung looks at Seungmin and treats him the way Hyunjin always wanted to. The two of them not being together just doesn't make sense to him, and _him_ being a possible reason just makes it all even more bemusing.

"Why aren't you and Jisung dating?" Hyunjin finds himself asking the next time he and Seungmin hang out.

They're in Hyunjin's room, munching on snacks that his mother prepared as they play some foreign film that his mother insisted they watch. They're both hardly paying attention, instead opting for conversation.

Seungmin raises an eyebrow at him. "This—Kind of an odd thing to ask your ex-boyfriend, don't you think?"

Hyunjin laughs, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. "Sorry, I was curious. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I just think he's the kind of guy who would be good for you."

Seungmin looks at the TV, but his gaze is empty. "You hardly know Jisung."

Hyunjin sinks into the couch, nodding quietly as he watches the actors on the screen. "True. I don't know. He just gives me good vibes, you know? And I'm pretty sure he likes you."

"I, uh—I don't know, Hyunjin. I guess I just don't really want to date friends anymore. The, uh, last time didn't really work out and I lost both my boyfriend and my best friend. It's just—It's not really something I want to put myself through, you know? Not again."

Hyunjin's throat dries, and he grips onto the hem of his shirt. Of course, he would have such an impact on Seungmin. Of course, what he did would still impact him to this day. He looks over at Seungmin, who is already looking at him, a sad smile on his lips.

"I can practically hear you thinking, Hyunjin," he says, reaching over to place his hand on top of his. "It's okay, really. I mean, I've already forgiven you for it. I just don't think I'd date a friend again in case of, you know… A repeat."

His mother's voice echoes in his mind again. _What would it take for you to forgive yourself? What would it take for you to accept that Seungmin has?_

"Seungmin," he says, shifting in his seat to fully face him. "I'm sorry. You said you've already forgiven me, but I've never even apologized for what I did. I was a coward, and I did a bad thing. I hurt you, and I'm sorry."

Seungmin blinks at him, stares at him as he keeps his gaze on his hands. When Hyunjin looks up, Seungmin is smiling at him. "Thank you," he says, "for apologizing."

"Why did you forgive me? We both know I don't deserve it. We both know I haven't done anything to even begin to make it up to you."

"I listened to your album."

Hyunjin startles. Of all the potential reasons he had thought up in his head, this was something he hadn't even considered.

"I didn't really want to at first," Seungmin continues. "Felix kind of forced me to, so thank him for that. I guess, I don't know, as I was listening, it just _hurt_. I recognized the little anecdotes in your lyrics. I recognized bits and pieces of us in the songs you wrote. I cried realizing that you were just as hurt as I was, if not more.

"I know you, Hyunjin," he says, squeezing his hand. "You've always been the kind of person that takes everything to heart. You've always been the kind of person to beat yourself up over your mistakes, especially when it ends up hurting someone else. I guess I kind of just realized that you were probably already hating yourself more than I could ever hate you for what happened."

Hyunjin stares at him, and tears roll down his face without him even realizing it. Seungmin scoots over and wipes his tears away. "You had your reasons," Seungmin says. "As stupid and confusing and aggravating as they may be, I understand. Kind of. Honestly, I don't really know exactly why you just left like that, but I have an idea."

Hyunjin sniffles, swallows down the lump in his throat. "It's honestly just—I don’t know. It's stupid and childish and ridiculous. I just—You know how I've always wanted to leave? How I've always dreamed of doing music outside of our small town? I just—I couldn't say goodbye to you. I couldn't tell you or face you because I—I just—I don't think I could have left if I saw you. It's stupid, it really is, but that's how I felt at the time. You have no idea how much I regret it, though."

"I think I do," Seungmin says with a soft chuckle, taking Hyunjin's hand in both of his. "You've been hating yourself over it all this time, haven't you?"

Hyunjin nods.

"Forgive yourself, Jinnie. Forgive yourself, let go, and let's move forward, yeah? Let's leave the past in the past."

Seungmin is too kind for his own good; he always has been. He's never deserved Seungmin, and this is yet another reason that tells him exactly why.

"Uh, hello to you too," Felix says as he walks in his room, quirking a brow. "Any reason why you randomly came over without even messaging me?"

Hyunjin is in Felix's bed, cuddling with one of his plushies, buried under his blanket. He had arrived about an hour ago, told Felix's mother that he would wait for Felix in his room. Felix says his mother texted him, told him that Hyunjin is in his bed and he looked really sad.

"Oh, huh," Hyunjin says, not really looking at Felix nudges him to scoot over so he could join Hyunjin in bed. "I wouldn't really say I'm sad, just… You know."

Felix pulls the plushie away, replacing it with his own body. Hyunjin pulls him close, holds him tightly as he expels a sigh. Felix shifts in his arms to face him, eyebrows pinched together in concern. Hyunjin is only ever like this when something is deeply bothering him, and Felix knows that.

"Does this have something to do with your hangout with Seungmin?"

A small smile tugs at his lips. Felix always knows even without him having to say anything, and he's always been thankful for that. "Yeah," he says. "Kind of just hating the realizations that come with being here, you know?"

"Yeah?" Felix pokes his cheek. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Hyunjin pauses, presses his lips together as he thinks. Eventually, he sighs and says, "I'm still really stupid in love with Seungmin."

Felix smiles. "I know."

"You know what's even more stupid? I think he might still feel the same way too."

"Why is that stupid?" Felix brushes hair away from his face, tucks the strands behind his ear. His smile is kind, eyes warm like they always are. Felix has always been such a comforting presence in his life, and today is no different.

Hyunjin sighs, resting his forehead against Felix's shoulder. "Because it _is_. Seungmin shouldn't still feel the same way, you know? He—He told me that I should forgive myself, that he's not holding it against me and that he's glad that we could get closure. He said he wants us to move forward and not be held captive by the past. I don't—I mean, I just—"

"Hey," Felix interrupts, patting him on the back, slow soothing strokes down his back, "You're okay. Take a deep breath and listen to me for a second, yeah?"

Hyunjin nods.

"I personally think that the door is never closed when it comes to you and Seungmin. Sure, it was a bad breakup, but your relationship has always gone deeper than just being boyfriends, you know? It's always been so much more than that. I think if you asked him to try again, he would say yes. I think now is your chance to do it, before he actually decides to completely move on."

Hyunjin counts his breaths, breathes deeply in and out a couple of times. He pulls away, looks at the sincerity in Felix's eyes. "I know," he says. "I know that I've somehow been presented a second chance and that it's there for me to take if I just, you know, said something, but it's not that easy… My life isn't—it's not made for dating and love and relationships. It's not built to make these things happen, to keep them going. I just don't think a second failure would end up as good as it did this time around."

"It's going to be a challenge for sure, but I think it's unfair for you to give up without even giving it a try. Who's to say it _won't_ work? Who's to say it _won't_ last this time around? You've grown up since then; you both have. Don't live with regrets, Hyunjin. Don't do that to yourself."

Hyunjin curls up as Felix pulls him into his arms, stroking his hair until he gives into the fatigue that's overwhelming his body. His eyes close as he thinks about Felix's words, rolls them around his head until he can figure out what to do. He needs to talk to Seungmin—that's an inevitability. He just has to decide what exactly he's going to say.

But that can wait. He has time.

He'll decide when the time comes.

Seungmin is stressed.

Hyunjin stares at him as he taps furiously at his phone, eyebrows knitted together, the stress evident in the creases on his forehead. Seungmin purses his lips in concentration, scrolling and typing, scrolling and typing.

"Your food's getting cold," Hyunjin says, pointing at Seungmin's plate with his chopsticks. "You're going to burn a hole in your phone if you keep glaring at it like that."

Seungmin looks up and chuckles bashfully, setting it face-down on the table. "Sorry, it's nothing," he says, picking up his chopsticks. He sighs heavily before taking a piece of meat from his plate.

The two of them have been spending more time together since that night at Hyunjin's. After their heartfelt conversation, they decided to rekindle their friendship, to get to know each other again as they are now. Romantic relationships aside, they both miss their friendship more than anything, and want to get it back even if just a little bit.

They're at a restaurant by Seungmin's university. Seungmin tells him he's been a frequent patron of the establishment ever since his freshman year, a family-owned hole-in-the-wall restaurant that uses recipes by the grandpa who first established it. He stumbled upon it one afternoon as he was exploring the area, and he'd been going at least once a week ever since.

"Seungmin," Hyunjin calls out as Seungmin stares dazed at nothing in particular. Seungmin startles, blinks at him and then smiles. "Nothing my ass. What's going on?"

Seungmin releases a sigh so heavy that it could have cracked the floor. "It's just—Okay, so my student organization is in charge of this event next week and our headliner just cancelled at the last minute. Something about personal issues that I just—I understand, but it's thrown everyone into a panic, myself included."

Hyunjin listens as Seungmin unloads his frustrations, nodding every once in a while to signal that he's still paying attention. Seungmin shows him emails and messages from his colleagues, all of whom are, as Seungmin said, panicking over their next course of action. He can understand the burden, albeit not completely, since he has someone to manage his life for him. Still, he can empathize with last minute changes.

"So, yeah, unless we can find someone who's magically free next week, we're absolutely fucked in the ass."

"Uh, not to brag or anything, but I'm somewhat of a celebrity myself, you know," says Hyunjin.

"Yes, Hyunjin, I know. You have more awards than I can count on one hand." Seungmin rolls his eyes and stuffs rice in his mouth. "Wait—"

Hyunjin raises an eyebrow as the realization dawns on Seungmin's face. "Get there faster, Min."

"Are you saying you can use your connections to help us find someone?!"

Hyunjin slaps a hand on his forehead. "No, Seungmin, I'm saying _I_ can do it. Unless I'm not good enough to do your event."

Seungmin's eyes widen. "No, not at all! You—Jinnie, you're amazing! I just—We can't exactly afford you as our headliner, you know?"

"Don't worry about that. I'd do it for free, really. I mean, I'm here on vacation so this is more like a favor to a friend than a job. I'll have to talk to management first, but I don't see any reason why they would say no. It's good publicity for me once word gets out."

"Hwang Hyunjin, I could kiss you right now!" Seungmin grabs his phone and hurriedly types what Hyunjin assumes are messages for his colleagues. "Oh my God, you are a lifesaver. Literally my hero right now."

Hyunjin laughs, ignores the effects of Seungmin's words on his heat. Management usually has a strict hold on the schedules he participates in, but this isn't one of them. He's already made up his mind that he would do it regardless of what they say. If he gets in trouble, then he gets in trouble.

The smile Seungmin flashes his way is worth it.

He's with Felix when he finally decides to call his manager. He paces back and forth in his room, holding his phone to his ear. He listen to the ringing, ignoring the look that Felix is giving him from his bed.

When he first told Felix that he offered to perform for Seungmin's event, he said nothing. Instead, he gave Hyunjin that same look he's giving him now. There's so much in his eyes that's begging to be said out loud, but he keeps silent for the meantime, just watching.

When the line clicks and his manager's voice fills his ears, he taps the speaker icon before speaking. "Hi, hyung. How's it going over there?"

"Pretty good," his manager says. "Now why did you _really_ call? I know it's not to check in on what the big bad bosses are up to. You're up to something, aren't you?"

Felix laughs. Hyunjin rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

"Is that Felix? Hi Felix!" his manager greets.

"Hi hyung!" Felix greets back, snatching the phone away from Hyunjin's hand. "Basically, the idiot offered to perform for free for an event in my university without checking in first, so this is him retroactively asking permission."

"Actually," Hyunjin says, seating himself beside Felix, "it's more of a notice that I'm performing than it is me asking permission. I'm doing it regardless of what the company says."

Hyunjin's manager very loudly sighs. "You're a pain in the ass, you know that?"

"You love me. Besides, it's not like I do this often. This will be good publicity too, you know?"

His manager is quiet for a few thoughtful moments before he sighs once more. "Okay, well, I'll see what the company says about it. I'll do my best so you _don't_ have to deliberately get in trouble for it. Tell me about the event."

Hyunjin relates everything that Seungmin has told him about it. Admittedly, he doesn't remember much of the details, considering he had found himself distracted by the person speaking. He only realized it towards the end when Seungmin said "got it?" and he could only nod without much recollection of the conversation.

"You're incredibly hopeless, you know that?" his manager says. "Can you ask Seungmin to email me? I'll just talk to him directly."

"Sure, but hyung—"

"I won't tell him that you couldn't remember because you were distracted by how pretty he is, don't worry."

"That's not—"

"Don't even try lying, Hwang Hyunjin." His manager snorts, and Felix bursts out laughing. Hyunjin smacks Felix with a pillow, and it only urges him to laugh even louder. "I'll get it done. Tell Seungmin to send me an email, okay? Okay, bye."

The line clicks and he tosses his phone aside before faceplanting on his bed. Felix pats him on the butt before lying down beside him. He groans and looks over, cheek pressed against his pillow, a pout on his lips.

"Your manager deserves a raise. He works so hard for you all the time," Felix says, smiling at him.

"He really does. I don't think I'd be able to achieve as much as I have without him, if we're being honest. He keeps my life so organized that all I really have to do is show up most of the time."

"Hyunjin," Felix calls out, reaching over to poke his cheek. "You do realize that doing the event is going to cut your vacation short, right? I mean, as soon as word gets around that _the_ Hwang Hyunjin is in town for a performance, it's going to stop being a nice little getaway for you and your fans are going to flock here like the vultures that they are."

"My fans are not vultures." Hyunjin pouts at Felix, who merely deadpans at him. He sighs. "Okay, maybe some of them are. They're just very devoted, you know?"

"Obsessed is more like it. Your fans literally devote so much time to you that it's kind of scary. Like do they go to school? Are they okay?" Felix sighs and shakes his head. "But you know what, that's your life now. I'm just—Okay, are you sure you want to cut your vacation short like this? It won't be as peaceful once the public knows you're here."

"That's kind of the point, Felix." Hyunjin flips over to lie on his back, fingers linked on top of his stomach as he stares up at his ceilings. He can feel Felix still staring at him, but he keeps his gaze glued upwards. "After the performance, I'm just… I'm going to head back. I think I'm getting too comfortable here."

"Well, this is home." Felix lies on his back as well, the bed a little cramped when they're both in this position. Hyunjin scoots over, but Felix tugs him back before draping his limbs over Hyunjin's body. "It's only natural you'd let your guard down when you're here. It's not wrong to be comfortable here."

"I can't stay here like this, Lix. I just can't." Hyunjin closes his eyes, sees Seungmin's smile in the darkness behind his eyelids. "This isn't real. This isn't my life. I can't stay here and pretend that things are always going to be like this, especially with Seungmin. I just—I can't stay knowing how I still feel, knowing that I actually have a second chance. It's not like it was back then."

"Hyunjin…"

"After the performance, I'm leaving. It's time I go back to my real life before I fall deeper into this fantasy and start believing it will all be okay."

If he sounds like he's trying to convince himself rather than Felix, he looks over at Felix with pleading eyes to say nothing of it.

Felix stares back at him, words on the tip of his tongue. Hyunjin knows he has things he wants to say, things that Hyunjin doesn't want to hear. When Felix just sighs and hugs him tighter, Hyunjin is grateful.

"You're an idiot, you know that?"

Hyunjin smiles. "Yeah, I know."

There's a different kind of charm in cloud-gazing in a lazy afternoon. Stargazing has always been the option for most, but something about watching the clouds roll across a large expanse of baby blue elicits a more nostalgic part of him. He thinks it's rooted in memories, in afternoons of collapsing on the grass after a good run, staring up at the sky with Seungmin by his side.

Seungmin wasn't interested in running, but he kept him company anyway. When he thinks about it, they really were disgustingly in love. There was rarely ever a time when they would be apart, and when they were, they were almost always at least texting.

"We really were inseparable, huh?" Hyunjin looks over to Seungmin, lying down beside him on the grass, looking up at the same sky. "I think even the teachers knew."

"They definitely did," Seungmin says, arm tucked behind his head. "I don't think there was anyone who _didn't_ , if we're being honest. We always leaned towards agonizingly obvious."

"That's true." Hyunjin hums and follows Seungmin's gaze to the sky, focusing on a particularly fluffy cloud, imposing against the blue. "Whether or not people realize it is a different story. I'm sure there were people as oblivious as I was."

Hyunjin gets lost in the sentimentality of it all, finds himself thinking about all the what ifs and maybes. He knows there's no point in dwelling, that fixating on all their memories only serves to remind him of the choices he's made. He wants to savor the time they have now, relish in the rekindling friendship that Seungmin offered him.

"Hey Hyunjin." Seungmin's voice pulls him out of his thoughts. He pushes himself up from the grass, pulls his knees to his chest. Seungmin does the same, a small smile on his lips. "I'm glad you came back. As temporary as this all is, I'm still glad you came back and we got a chance to become friends again like this."

"Temporary… Right."

Seungmin laughs, keep his eyes fixed on the sky. "I know you, Hyunjin. You haven't changed all that much. You're leaving after the event, right?"

Hyunjin swallows down the lump in his throat, picking at the grass by his feet. "Yeah."

"You weren't planning on just disappearing without a word again like last time, were you?"

Hyunjin feels his heart sinking to his stomach, his chest heavy under the weight of Seungmin's stare. He smiles sadly, feeling the grass with his fingertips, keeping his gaze at anything but Seungmin.

"I considered it," he admits, focusing on the patch of green he had just pulled out from the ground. "I just—I don't know, I thought about it while I was talking to my manager. You know, just leaving quietly."

There's an overwhelming silence between them that Hyunjin doesn't know how to navigate. His heartbeat is going so fast that he's afraid it might leap out of his chest, his hands so clammy he has to wipe the sweat off on his jeans. He braves a look upwards, and when he does, his eyes meet Seungmin's.

In a small voice, Seungmin says, "Why do you do this?"

The way Seungmin looks at him knocks the air out of his lungs, squeezes his chest so hard he's struggling to breathe. There's so much pain in his eyes, so much sadness that Hyunjin hates is because of him.

"Seungmin…"

"No, really," Seungmin says, looking him dead in the eye. "I know that it hurts you too. I know that it's not something you _like_ doing, so why? Why do you choose the most painful option and hurt us both?"

Tears well in his eyes as Seungmin's fall down his face. He hates this—he hates _himself_. He should have never come back. He should have never allowed himself to get close to Seungmin again like this.

"I… I don't like saying goodbye to you, Seungmin," he confesses, wiping away the tear that rolls down his cheek, willing his voice to steady as much as it possibly can. "I just—I can't bear this—" he gestures at the both of them. "I just… I don't want to say goodbye to you."

Seungmin's fingers curl into his palms, jaw tight as he allows himself to cry. "Why does there have to be a goodbye in the first place? Why do you keep talking as if whatever's between us has to stay here? Am I not allowed in your life outside this place? Does it always have to end here? Are we only supposed to be friends _here_?"

"That's the thing, though," Hyunjin breathes out, hugging his knees even closer to his chest. "I don't want to be your friend, Seungmin. I don't—I don't think I could ever _just_ be your friend."

"Then—"

"But I don't want to drag you into my life like this—a life that isn't even my own anymore. It's unfair to you. Everything is decided for me, and if I do want to do something, it has to be approved or I get reprimanded for it." Hyunjin stares earnestly at him, hoping he could feel his sincerity. "I care too much about you, Seungmin. Relationships are already difficult as they are, but adding my _job_ into the equation? It's so fucking unfair, but _I_ chose this life. You didn't. I don't want you to have to just to be with me."

"You're an idiot, Hyunjin," Seungmin says through gritted teeth. "You're such a fucking idiot. You just keep contradicting yourself. You don't want to say goodbye to me. You don't want us to just be friends. You don't want to bring me into your life. You have so many things you _don't_ want—that's very clear to me. But what the fuck is there that you _do_ want, Jinnie? Think about it. Make a decision and let me know."

Seungmin walks away, and Hyunjin doesn't have the heart to stop him. He's right after all. Hyunjin _is_ an idiot, one that fears uncertainty as fervently as he clings to regrets. Decisions are no longer his to make, instead left for the will of those with power over him.

He knows what he wants—he's known it from the moment Seungmin entered his life. Whether life is kind enough to give it to him is a different matter altogether.

Hyunjin breathes in, counts to three, then breathes out. He's sitting in a waiting room at the university auditorium, preparing for the performance that he promised he would do. His manager has flown in with his usual styling team and security, a decision they both agreed on once they discussed the amount of people he would likely bring in.

His fans are already loud outside, ready for his performance, and the event hasn't even started yet. He's not set to perform until the very last, and he can only hope that his fans behave enough to last through the rest of the event. He'd like to believe that they would, but who knows, really? Fans are unpredictable—they always have been.

"You're such a fucking idiot, Hwang Hyunjin," Felix chastises, heaving out the heaviest sigh he's ever heard. "What the fuck do you mean you haven't talked to Seungmin since you guys went cloud-gazing?"

Hyunjin grimaces, cowering as both Felix and his manager glare at him without blinking.

It's been established that Hyunjin is an idiot, and with that comes the unfortunate decisions of avoiding everything that he actually _should_ be facing head on. There's so much he wants to tell Seungmin, but talking has never really been a strength of his. He has music—he communicates through music. He always has.

It's what has created his career thus far, brought him to heights he never thought he would ever reach.

That's why he's going to sing, why he's going to perform a song written with all the sentiments he couldn't bring himself to say out loud. It's a product of his vacation, of all that's been left unsaid between himself and Seungmin. He hopes he can reach Seungmin with his song the way his debut did, and that he would listen with an open heart.

"I cleared your unreleased song with management, by the way," says his manager beside him. "They actually really like it so they're going to have you record it when you get back."

"Mm," he remarks noncommittally, not really paying attention to anything other than the lyrics he had written in his notebook. "Just a digital release, right?"

"I mean, it's being considered as a B-side for your next mini album, though I can push for just a digital release if you're not ready for an album."

Hyunjin smiles. "I'd be a mess without you, hyung."

"I know." His manager rolls his eyes. "Now get your personal life together, too. That's the one thing I can't fix and manage for you."

"I know," he says wistfully, looking down at the note book in his hands. "I'm trying."

The event begins, and Hyunjin hides in his waiting room for his turn. There's TV set up on one of the tables to monitor what's happening onstage, and Hyunjin watches to keep his nerves at bay.

Seungmin stands in the center, shining as brightly as he always does. His smile lights up the entire venue, a presence that commands attention wherever he goes. He's amicable and warm, funny at all the right times. Hyunjin would have fallen in love at first sight if he wasn't already in love to begin with.

Hyunjin counts his breaths as his turn draws near, going over the list of songs he's performing in his head. Four songs, then he's gone. Four songs, then he'll go back to where he's supposed to be.

The door creaks open and Seungmin walks inside, a small smile on his face. Funny how quickly something this simple could pacify his nerves, though that's just the kind of person Seungmin has always been to him.

"You'll do great, Hyunjin," he says. "You always do."

Hyunjin smiles back at him, grateful and apologetic. They haven't really spoken much since that day, and when they did, it would always be about the event. Neither of them want to bring it up, so they stick to safe topics like Hyunjin's set and the program.

"Thank you, Seungmin," Hyunjin says, reaching over to take Seungmin's hand in his, "for everything. I know I'm not the easiest to be around, and I still have a lot of growing up to do, so I'm thankful you've been kind and patient with me even when I don't deserve it."

"Oh stop that," Seungmin says, squeezing his hand. "Yeah, you're infuriating, but you've always been deserving of all the love in the world. Remember that, okay?"

Just a little bit more.

Just a little bit more and he can pour his heart out on stage, sing all the emotions he's been wanting to let Seungmin know from the moment they saw each other again. He takes in another breath, counts to three in his head. Then Seungmin squeezes his hand again before leading him out and toward the stage.

"Seungmin, can I ask you a favor?"

"Sure, anything."

"Sit up front where I can see you."

Seungmin looks startled, confused even. Still, he smiles and nods. "Okay, I'll sit up front."

When the lights go out and the performers exit the stage, Seungmin walks up the stage leaving Hyunjin some time for some last-minute meditation. He's okay, he reminds himself. Everything will be okay. This is just another performance.

Seungmin's voice echoes throughout the entire auditorium, drowned only by the cheers that erupt at the mention of Hyunjin's name. Seungmin glances back at him with a warm smile as the lights close and Hyunjin walks up to take his place in the center.

"I'm going to start with a gift," he says, wearing his guitar, hoping that his nerves don't show on his face. The audience is silent, and a small smile tugs at his lips when he sees Seungmin take a seat in the front row. He raises his thumbs as a silent encouragement, and Hyunjin takes in a breath. "This first song is something I wrote while I've been home, and I'm excited to let you guys hear it first."

The audience cheers for him, quieting down only when the instrumentals begin to fill the auditorium. He hears the backing track in his in-ears, and he counts the beats before beginning to strum along.

He looks at Seungmin, staring at him intently, his hands clasped together. He flashes a smile when their eyes meet, and his heart beats so loud in his chest when Seungmin nods at him and smiles back.

Hyunjin's lips part, the lyrics flowing out directly from his heart. It's a song about a boy in love, a boy whose love deserves more than what his life allows. This life—a singer's life in the spotlight—isn't built for them, isn't built for a love like theirs. He wants to do so much, but his hands are tied by the very dream he left his hometown for.

"One day," he sings, allowing the emotions to overcome his entire being, "I'll tell the world I love you. One day, I'll show you off like you deserve."

His eyes meet Seungmin's, and it takes everything inside him not to jump off the stage to wipe the tears reflected by the surrounding lights. Seungmin is listening to his song, listening to the words he's always wanted to tell him.

"I don't want to keep running away from you," he continues, closing his eyes. "I just need a little more time to do right by you.

A pause. Complete silence. The spotlight is still on him. It's blinding, but he keeps going until the song reaches its end.

He looks directly at Seungmin when he sings the last line: "I love you."

The lights go off, Hyunjin discards his guitar, and prepares for the next songs that the crowd already knows.

He did it.

"I figured you would be here."

Hyunjin looks up, greeted by Seungmin still in the same outfit he was in the event. After his performance, Hyunjin made a swift exit so as not to draw attention. He wanted to leave for the city immediately, but he decided against it after having an earful from his mother. He asked his manager to take him to the beach, and he went straight to the secluded cave that he and Seungmin had discovered back when they were little.

It's a comfortable place, somewhere he goes to think.

"One last visit before I go back to the real world," he says, laughing bitterly as he hugs his knees to his chest. It's cold as he draws circles in the sand, but he pays it no mind.

Seungmin sits beside him, mirroring his position. He's quiet, contemplative as he stares out at the sea. It's strange how much smaller this cave feels now with the two of them like this, side by side like in the past, admiring the water in the silence. The tides are low and placating, soothing Hyunjin's soul even if just a little bit.

"You know," Seungmin says, voice quiet, echoing within the walls of the cave, "this could be your real world too."

Hyunjin blinks, staring at him as his hand pauses on the sand. "Seungmin…"

"If you just—I don't know, Hyunjin," he says, gaze still affixed on the waves. "I don't understand why you insist on treating home like it's some fantasy world that isn't yours, as if you can't bring us to your life over there. I don't understand why you think you have to leave everything here behind and be on your own when you're there. The loneliness is screaming inside you, written in the colors of your eyes, and yet you keep insisting on… running."

A lump forms in his throat, tears springing to his eyes as he stares at Seungmin. Why does he keep hurting Seungmin? Hyunjin wants to tear himself apart. It's as if no matter what he does, he will always hurt the people he loves, regardless of how careful he is.

"Seungmin, it's just—"

Seungmin shakes his head, a pained smile on his lips, finally looking at him. "But you know what the funny thing about all of this is? I actually—Deep down, I _do_ get it, because I know you. You feel like you have to shoulder all of this responsibility on your own because _you_ chose it. Like you can't say anything because it was a decision you made and need to stand by. We all stayed here, and we're all happy to be where we are now. You left chasing a dream, but you're lonely, aren't you? Because we're not there? Because you didn't _just_ leave, you left _us_ too? And you think you can't complain because it's a path you decided on."

Hyunjin sucks in a sharp breath, his tears falling from his eyes. He had always been so incredibly bare in front of Seungmin, no matter how much he tries to hide how he truly feels inside. He's never been able to keep anything from him, who reads him like the back of his hand, knows his heart better than Hyunjin ever has.

"You chose to leave, and we supported you—we still do. We always will, Hyunjin. We're all so fucking proud of you for making it as far as you have, but has it ever occurred to you that we want to be there to actually celebrate all of your successes _with_ you? Has it ever occurred to you that we might want to choose _you_?"

Hyunjin falls silent as Seungmin's words sink in. All his friends, all his family, Seungmin… Hyunjin had left them all here in this small beach town, left them to relentlessly pursue the music he had always wanted to. He works tirelessly to prove that he made the right choice, but at what cost?

At the end of the day, he had no one but himself.

Because he stubbornly holds onto the misguided idea that they can't join him in his current life? Because he thinks self-imposed exile is a price he has to pay for following his dreams?

His logic makes no sense, he can hear it now as Seungmin lays it all out for him, and he can't fight the guilt that manifests as tears streaming down his face.

He had no one to blame but himself.

"I'm sorry," he chokes out, wiping his face with the sleeves of his shirt. "I'm so sorry, Seungmin. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just—I don't understand my own head sometimes. I thought I would be happy after I got my first award, but… None of it… It's just so… I don't know, Seungmin. I don't know. I don't understand myself or these feelings."

Hyunjin is openly crying, sobbing into his hands as Seungmin pulls him close and holds him. He hears Seungmin sniffle, and he looks up to see him crying too.

"Why are you—"

"Stupid," Seungmin mutters, taking Hyunjin's face in his hands. "You were lonely all this time, weren't you? Stop deciding things on your own, idiot. Stop deciding for everyone. You have your family, your friends. You have Felix…"

Seungmin brushes his thumbs against his cheeks, gentle as his tearful eyes meet his. "You have me," he says, and it only makes Hyunjin cry even harder. "You have me too, okay? Just… Stop making decisions for everyone. We're in this too. We all… We all love you, Hwang Hyunjin. I love you. Don't carry your burdens alone."

"Seungmin, this—I just—"

"If you're going to tell me that your world isn't built for romance and relationships, I already know that," Seungmin interrupts, not once breaking eye contact. "I know that it's going to be difficult, that we won't be able to date like normal people do—I already know all that. But I'm willing to go through that, I'm willing to try because I love you and you're worth it. I'm willing to try, Hyunjin. What about you?"

Hyunjin stares, focusing on the warmth of Seungmin's hands on his face, the heat from his thumbs as they gingerly wipe on tears rolling down his face. He nods mutely, eyes earnest as he looks into Seungmin's.

"If you ever run away from me again, I _will_ actually punch you in the nose," Seungmin warns.

Hyunjin laughs, heart a little lighter, head a little clearer. Not everything will fix itself immediately, he knows, but this is a start. This could be his new start. Their new start.

He'll leave the town again, go back to his usual life, but he's taking everyone here with him. Seungmin's right, he doesn't have to be alone—not when he has so many people willing to be here with him. Changing his mindset won't be easy; it will take time, but he can do it. He wants to.

**Hyunjin [05:23]:** hey, my plane just landed  
 **Hyunjin [05:23]:** you're probably still asleep but i just wanted to say thank you  
 **Hyunjin [05:24]:** i know you keep saying i should stop apologizing and thanking you every like, ten seconds, but i just have to  
 **Hyunjin [05:24]:** you saved me from myself and i just really can't thank you enough

Hyunjin is about to slip his phone in his pocket when it buzzes.

 **Seungmin [05:25]:** bold of you to assume i was asleep  
 **Seungmin [05:25]:** really, don't mention it  
 **Seungmin [05:25]:** you're making it up to me anyway right? :P

Hyunjin laughs. He is. He absolutely is.

Hyunjin lies in bed, his phone propped up on the nearest surface. Seungmin's face fills his screen, laughing as he relates an embarrassing story about Jisung, losing himself in his laughter every now and then that it takes him a while to finish the story.

It's been about a week since Hyunjin came back, and he's been doing well on his promise to keep in touch with his friends and family more. He knows it's possible because he's still on a break, but he's hoping it lays a foundation for when the busywork finally begins again.

He and Seungmin have been calling each other every night, falling asleep to each other while on FaceTime, slowly going back into old habits that leave Hyunjin feeling warm and comforted despite the physical distance now between them.

"I forgot to ask," Hyunjin says. "Did the event do well? I kind of just left and haven't followed up."

"Oh my God, yes!" Seungmin claps, face bright as he nods. "We actually auctioned off all the signed stuff you left behind and made a lot of money. Thank you for your service, kind sir. I think it's the most we've ever fundraised in the last, ten years or something. Our advisor is actually asking if you'd like to have your name in the donation check."

"Oh, no, no need," Hyunjin says, shaking his head. "You guys did all the hard work. I just signed stuff and sang."

"Stop selling yourself short," Seungmin scolds. "You worked hard on your performance. Besides, your song—"

Seungmin cuts himself off, the tips of his ears slowly turning red. A small smile tugs at Hyunjin's lips, but he feels his face heat up at the memory of his song.

Word has gotten around that an unreleased song was performed at the event, and people have been quick to ask about when it would be released to the public. Hyunjin hasn't started on it yet, but it's probably going to be released as a digital single.

"Your fans are going to pick that song apart and try to overanalyze it again," Seungmin mutters. "I saw theories of your other songs on message boards."

"You read those things?"

"I was curious." Seungmin shrugs. "I mean, I actually know the truth behind the songs, so I was interested to see if anyone had gotten it right just solely based on listening to them."

Hyunjin frowns. "Not all of them were about you!"

Seungmin raises an eyebrow. "Say that without looking away, Hwang Hyunjin."

Hyunjin pouts as Seungmin continues to stare him down, eventually relenting with an overdramatic sigh. "Okay, fine, they were all about you. What can I say? You're my muse, Kim Seungmin."

"What—You can't just say something like that out of the blue, you dummy," Seungmin huffs, hugging his pillow. He looks embarrassed, red in the face, and Hyunjin finds it absolutely adorable.

A comfortable silence follows them as they both sink into their mattresses, covers pulled up to their chins. Seungmin looks at him, a small smile on his lips, eyes kind even through a cellphone screen.

"Hey Seungmin," Hyunjin whispers. Seungmin's eyebrows shoot up in acknowledgment, a silent prodding to continue. "I think… I think I'll probably ask management to find me a therapist."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

More silence takes over before Hyunjin continues.

"I'm kind of scared," he admits, hugging his pillow close. "I feel like I'm at a high right now because of my vacation and everything that happened. You knocked some sense into me before I left, and we're here now and we're good, but… but I don't know, what if this is just me having a false sense of security? Like what if this is just the calm before the storm? All these irrational thoughts keep popping up and like—I just—I keep thinking about how I can't just… put that burden on you, you know? To be the one to always ground me. So I… yeah, I want to see someone… talk to someone about it. A professional. I need help. I think I've needed help for a while now."

Seungmin smiles at him again, meeting his eyes through the camera. "I'm proud of you, Hwang Hyunjin," he says. "It takes a lot of strength to admit needing help, let alone seeking it. I support you completely, and I know everyone else does too."

Hyunjin talks a little bit more about his fears, about the feelings that he bottles inside of him whenever he's home and alone with just his thoughts. He tells Seungmin more about the loneliness, about his irrational rationalities, about the lies he's fed himself to maintain his distance with the people he's desperately wanted to keep close.

Seungmin listens to him, lets him speak his mind, his heart, nodding every so often to let Hyunjin know he's still listening.

When all is said and done, the quiet takes over, and Hyunjin watches as Seungmin's eyes slowly close, as his breathing slowly evens. He watches fondly, a smile on his lips, all the affection blooming in his chest. He has no idea if any of this is going to work out in the end, if the world would be so kind to give him and Seungmin the happy ending they've wanted since they were just teenagers in love.

The future is so uncertain, especially with unresolved demons that plague Hyunjin's heart that he still has yet to fully face.

But he's going to try.

He's going to do his best.

For his friends, for his family, for Seungmin.

And most of all, for himself.

**Author's Note:**

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